So we haven’t done an “Adventures in Texting” post in a good long while. I saved a bunch of random “shorts” from my drunken weekend for your reading pleasure. Let me preface this with the following: (A) I don’t know any of these guys’ last names. (B) I have no idea how I have most of their numbers or they mine, truthfully and (C) I’m an idiot. By no means should anyone ever follow my example here. (All have nicknames…as you might expect.)
Stoney (4:25AM): I’m in bed with my girlfriend (this would be Rita) right now but I really wish your dick was pressed against my back.
New York (9:47AM): Dammit, wish I coulda been there
Stoney (9:49AM-Yea, how the fuck am I up in 5 hours after being shitfaced drunk): Me too!!! Clearly. I was just about to send you an apology for that text. Pretty direct, huh? Now you know exactly was I was thinking at 4:30 this morning. How lucky for you.
I haven’t slept with New York…yet. But I am pretty sure that I should.
Guy #2 I met while he was holding 3 huge slices of pizza on the street. I kissed him in the alley after eating a bite of his pizza and gave him my number. I had just walked away when…
Chubs (3:47AM): Hey there I know it’s been a long time since we hung out, but it would be a good time to hang out after you hang out with your friend. You down?
Stoney (3:49AM): Um? Who is this?
Chubs (3:49AM): My gay friends are giving you props for the heels you are wearing.
Chubs (3:50AM): This is X. I guess we made out just a little.
Stoney (3:50AM): Oh yeah! They are hot! My heels that is!
Chubs (3:52AM): Yeah I know those heels are hot. But what would they look like without all the other accessories.
Chubs (3:54AM): Anyway I don’t want t
Chubs (3:54AM): T
Chubs (3:54AM): Oops sorry about that
Stoney (3:54AM): Curling up with my girlfriend. (Still Rita – same night) We are trashed.
Chubs (3:56AM): That’s awesome. I can come hang out if you would like?
Chubs (3:58AM): Our you scaling that mountain?
Chubs (4:12AM): Alright it looks like you may have your hands full but if you are wanting a little something extra text me. By the way I’m great with my hands.
Stoney (4:14AM): No. Just passing out. Not into girls
Chubs (4:15AM): Well that’s co
Chubs (4:16AM): Cool
Chubs (4:16AM): You wanna hang out I got some 420?
Stoney (4:32AM): You think my boots are hot…you should see my boobs!!!
My alter ego is such a bitch. She hands my number out all over town when I am drunk and it results in stupid shit like this. I wonder what went through my head at 4:30 that made me think it was a good idea to mention how fabulous my tits are to a complete stranger. A complete stranger I made out with briefly in an alley.
This last guy had grabbed me on a dance floor the weekend prior and tried to suck my face off and then come over to my house. Unfortunately, I had had houseguests that evening so I could not fulfill that request - as much as I wanted to!. I recognized him from Rita and my gym after he peeled himself off of me the first time. He managed to get my number and call me so that I had his number that night, but we really hadn’t spoken much since with the exception of a formal albeit brief introduction at the gym a few days later.
Stoney (4:16AM): Why aren’t you inside me right now?
Stoney (6:07PM): Geez. I am so sorry for my text at 4am. I clearly repeated my regretful alcohol consumption pattern from last weekend. Sorry again.
I can only hope that one of Hot Gym Guy’s friends threw his phone in the ocean prior to 4:16AM that morning and he didn’t get either of these texts.
Keepin’ it classy.
-the Fox
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