On a recent Friday, Stoney and I were posted up at a bar, listening to some live music. This sounds fun in theory, but was actually incredibly boring. The music was The Chris Robinson Brotherhood (jam band) and the audience attracted to said band was underemployed, vaguely fluffy, wannabe hippie posers. I seem to recall someone around us wearing a golf shirt, but smelling like Patchouli. There was a great deal of air guitar going on.
As we sat and covertly made fun of the guys around us, I received a text from a married girlfriend of mine. She was inquiring about where she should send her husband and his guy friends out on the town after a golf outing they were hosting on Saturday. I replied with a couple of ideas, but then also asked why she didn't just encourage them to hook up with The Ambassadors of the Neighborhood, Stoney and I, and we could show them first hand. An excellent idea, she agreed, and my number was forwarded to the leader of the pack, her friend we shall henceforth refer to as the Big Tan Guy.
Stoney: There was chilled Patron in my face, so that’s pretty much all I remember from this evening. That and my friends so eloquently saying, “Stoney is done. We can’t take her anywhere else but home.” And that’s what they did... they deposited my shitfaced self on my doorstep at midnight on a Friday.
Saturday rolled around, and in the afternoon, I received a text from Big Tan Guy. Being a smart girl, I correctly assumed the boys were on the golf course and were about half in the bag at that point. We bantered about connecting later in the night and agreed on a place and time for them to meet and be entertained by The Ambassadors. Stoney and I were glad to have a built in plan for male attention, and figured that if nothing else, we would have a fun night showing the guys around our city. We're salespeople, this is what we do.
Stoney: Yea, that’s not exactly how that happened. I vaguely remember overhearing a phone conversation between Rita and someone else where she says “I have a single girlfriend too! We’d love to do that…” She hangs up and I look at her suspiciously and say “What the fuck did you just rope me into?”
So Stoney and I arrived at our favorite low-key bar and ordered a drink, and began our wait for the boys. Aaaaaaand we waited, longer than we expected. There was great texting about time and place and how to get there (with the exception of my friend's hubby, these guys were out of towners and she and the hubby live in the burbs). We starting hoping out loud that these guys were super hot and fun, because there would not be much more waiting. Finally, I see my friend's hubby's smiling face leading a pack of guys through the bar to us. A pack! We were thinking three…and as a result of golf, dinner, and who knows what else, they were hammered. This was either going to be really good, or really bad.
Stoney: So the pack consists of approximately 8-10 men (numbers are apparently kind of hazy at this point in the evening and completely irrelevant): only 2 of which are single! The Big Tan Guy is one of the single ones, and he is promptly sucked into the vortex that is Rita. The other single guy is so sloshed he can hardly form a complete sentence. I resolve to the fact that this is just going to be a fun (but fruitless) evening for me. This is where the next day Rita informs me that she looks over and I have the attention of the entire clan with the exception of The Big Tan Guy who is already rubbing on her thigh. I remember only one conversation during this time and, although it’s a slightly unfortunate one, it leads to further discussion amongst our girlfriends about pickup lines and rebuttals (to be addressed in a later post). Married Guy A informs me that Married Guy B has a HUGE dick. Married Guy B nods modestly. What the fuck am I supposed to do with this information? I respond, “I’m sure your wife is very appreciative.” To which he says, “You are sooooo fucking unbelievably hot! Let’s go dancing. I have to dance with you!” And off we go, the entire troop of us, to a local dance club hot spot.
This is the part of the story where you might think I’m a completely spoiled, rich little “daddy’s girl,” which is actually not the case at all. But I share this with you because I think my drunk self is pretty awesomely hilarious.
Rita and I walk up to the bouncer at the dance club who looks at me and says “It’s $5.”
Stoney (pointing at my boobs): [completely matter-of-factly] “My dad didn’t pay $7,000 for these for me to pay a cover.”
Bouncer: [Starts laughing]
Stoney (still pointing at my boobs): No seriously. I’m trying to pay him back $5 at a time.
At this point, Married Guy B rolls his eyes and hands the bouncer $10. SEE!!! Like I said, my dad didn’t pay for a boob job for me to pay a cover!
We get to the club and with drinks in hand we all make our way to the dance floor. Married Guy B is dancing all over me and taking every opportunity to rub what, in fact, DOES turn out to be a giant dick on me. I look up and there’s Rita sucking massive face with the Big Tan Guy on the dance floor while “dancing” (apparently to the beat in her head cause it sure as shit wasn’t to the music being played).
Yes, yes I did start making out with a relative stranger on the very public dance floor of a bar that I frequent. I have no excuse for this other than at that point my need to have a hot guy put his hands all over me was stronger than my need to maintain any sense of dignity. Thanks, vodka. And fuck, was he a good kisser. Don’t you just love that, when you kiss someone for the first time and it just clicks? I think I felt that first kiss in my vagina. So the rest of the night, I pretty much smooched him and let him rub all over me as much as he wanted. You would have done the same thing, Reader, I know this. At various points in the evening, I would look over at Stoney, who had the full attention of the other 7 guys, to make sure she was cool. But at one point, she disappeared, and apparently met someone on the balcony of the bar.
Stoney: Stay tuned for the introduction of The Darling. This is a really good story so you should probably be on the lookout for THAT upcoming post. To be continued…
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