Stoney and I start a lot of sentences this way, "So did you see that guy at the gym…?" and fill in the blank with one of our common answers…
1) "…with the tats on his leg? Dibs!" (Stoney. She has a total hard-on for tats.)
2) "…with the amazing ass? Dibs!" (Rita. Well, and every woman and gay man with a pulse.)
3) "…who looks like Wolverine? Dibs!" (Stoney. Totally looks like a mini Wolverine. So. HOT!)
4) "…who I think we need to make a sandwich out of? Double dibs!" (In unison!)
Then there was the one day that I said, "Have you seen the guy at the gym who looks like The Situation?" Stoney knew exactly who I was talking about - and he really sort of does. He is tall and built with a Guido-esque look to him and he has a constant tan (Not the orange kind. The regular kind). We had exchanged a few words with him at the gym but didn't know him especially well. Then one weekend when Stoney and I were at a bar in our neighborhood, we ran into him. (Unfortunately, he was wearing - yes, Reader - a douchecape. We hung out with him that night and as it turns out... he was super nice and funny, in a goofy way.
Random Stoney insert: We were talking to a male friend of ours about the physical similarities between The Situation on the Jersey Shore and our real life version. Having not ever seen an episode of this gloriously appalling "reality" show, our friend kept erroneously referring to them both as "The Circumstance or whatever."
The following week at the gym, I couldn’t take it anymore and had to let him know who I thought he looked like. When I told him, he was sufficiently horrified and denied the accusation. So we became buddies with him and I turned it up to full wattage whenever he was around because, well I think he is hot and I adore his personality.
Then one day at the gym when Stoney was flying solo (meaning I wasn't there to bitch and be strident while we worked out. I just want to cunt punch her sometimes.), The Situation asked her what "we" were doing that weekend, and if "we" were going to be out and about. He got Stoney's number (super fail, Rita) and texted her to see what "we" were doing. So I figured, as one does, that he was interested in her.
We didn't end up connecting with him that week, but we did run into him at a bar one Stumble Home Sunday and BOTH turned it up to full wattage with him - to no avail. We could have been two blocks of concrete wearing cute dresses and heels. He seemed totally immune to our charms. Not to sound conceited here, but we were mystified. Which does sound conceited but that’s how we roll.
So the next week at the gym, we started to feel him out a bit more. "So," asks Stoney, "Do you think the guys in the weight room here think Rita and I are a couple? Does anyone say anything around you about the possibility that we are lesbians?" Truth be told, we kind of do look the part - with Rita grunting while we lift free weights in wife-beaters and trucker hats. We talk to him about our 'faux lesbian' relationship, about how we're for all intents and purposes dating each other, and just fucking guys on the side. He gives us a blank look. For some reason, when we start up with the provocative talk, he blanks out. Seriously? Girls talking about sex doesn't do it for you? Okaaaayyyyyy….
A couple of weeks later, Stoney got a text from him wondering if we wanted to meet for a drink at a place around the corner. Stoney and I gave ourselves a pep talk in the car before we went in - clearly, we were just going to be friends with The Situation and we decided that maybe he had cute friends he would introduce us to! He would be a great friend-date if we needed one! Etc, etc. We joined him for a couple of glasses of wine and just chatted and hung out. He was friendly and flirty (to both of us - Jeebus!). Then, he started talking about a group of women sitting next to us at the bar that The Situation pegged as area housewives who were out for a night away from their husbands. He took a few opportunities to eavesdrop and insert witty comments into their conversations. So when Stoney and I go to leave, he decides he's staying to flirt with the housewives. WTF?
I wish I could say that Stoney and I gave up after that, but we're not quitters, Reader! Yet another night at the gym, The Situation asks us if we want to get dinner and go out afterwards. WE. Not she. Not me. Who asks two girls to dinner at the same time? The Situation, apparently, that's WHO! Stoney beats me to the restaurant (because, of COURSE we went) where things get stranger as he informs her that he was hungry and already ate. So then I arrive. We order dinner, have drinks and laugh and enjoy ourselves (side note - how many people think that they invented the word "fuckstick?" because The Situation thinks he did and so does Stoney's dad). I mean, in his defense, he has never really made either one of us feel like we were tagging along and we can do nothing but assume at this point that he really does just want to be friends…but fuck, we cover a lot of the spectrum when it comes to being attractive to the opposite sex (and sometimes the same) and seriously, he can't get it up for one of us?
Our gay friend at the gym asked us the other day why one of us doesn't go after The Situation. You know what, dear Gym Gay, we tell him? We've both been out on a date with him. At the same time! And he didn't bite. Gym Gay was also baffled. (Again, get yourself a gay. They are lovely in every. single. sense. of the word!)
I'd like to assume that there just hasn't been enough alcohol involved. But honestly, the amount of times we've been out drinking with The Situation…do I need a guy to be comatose to be attracted to me? It's nothing short of mystifying. If one of us ever ends up getting in his pants, you'll be the first to know!
No comments:
Post a Comment