So long ago (this past summer) I had an adventurous hook up with a guy that was pretty amazing in bed. We planned to connect a second time and in anticipation of our next meeting, he was texting me that he wanted me to be in bed in my softest sweats, waiting for him. So I did as he requested (I aim to please, Reader) and he came over. Unfortunately for he and I, he was extremely nervous when not pumped full of Bud Light, and could not get it up. Super. Fail. It goes without saying that he disappeared after that particular night. Stoney and I agreed that he had likely unloaded the gun prior to his arrival at my house out of pre-performance anxiety.
Fast-forward 4 months. Stoney and I were having a quiet night out, and after listening to me despair over my roster’s complete inability to make something happen in my vagina, Stoney suggested that I reach out to the guy who was great one night and couldn’t get it up the next (She had dubbed him The Experience during our first encounter, but I have since renamed him. See below). So I did. 2 days or so later, I get the following text:
Couldn’t Get It Up (CGIU): Who is this?
Reader, are there any worse words in the universe to see on a text screen? Dagger to the nuts, right there. So I respond:
Rita: Obviously someone you have deleted.
24 hours later (this guy is clearly rather slow on the uptake), I receive the following:
CGIU: I’d really like to know who this is, I got a new phone so I don’t have old contacts.
Rita: Rita.
CGIU: Where did I meet you? (he’s finally decided to solve the mystery and responds immediately! And clearly doesn’t remember me, which is another dagger, but hey, it was one drunken night and then a night that he probably doesn’t want to remember)
Rita: Name of Bar. Your friend was hitting on me, but you stealthily got my number. We hooked up the next night. But then when I had you over again, you were clearly extremely nervous and nothing happened. Mystery solved?
CGIU: Ah ha! Yes! How have you been??
Rita: I feel like I’ve accomplished something today! Except for finding out that I’m not that memorable. I’m good.
CGIU: No, honestly my association with your name just wasn’t 100%...sorry
Rita: No offense. Our time together sober was limited, I admit. How are you?
CGIU: Good, thanks! I know, sorry about that though. Typically I’m BETTER sober, not the opposite. So...did you want to try me again?? J
Rita: Well, that’s fun to think about. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable in any way. I was very attracted to you in probably in hindsight was about as subtle as a golden retriever. And yes, yes I do.
CGIU: I’d like another try. ;) If you would do your best to entertain my sweatpants and sweatshirt fetish, it would definitely help me relax.
Rita: I would be happy to indulge you. Just let me know exactly what you want.
CGIU: Traditional sweatpants and sweatshirts. The thick fuzzy kind, you in them with nothing underneath. The more plush the better
(ok, this makes me laugh just typing it again. WTF? )
Rita: I can do this.
CGIU: I’d like if we both have them on with the crotches torn out
Rita: Maybe you should do the tearing.
CGIU: I’m officially too horny to work now
Rita: I was wondering if that was having effect on you, just thinking about it...
CGIU: It is. I’m contemplating leaving to relieve myself
Rita: Oh my.
CGIU: I know
Rita: Let me know when you want to get together.
CGIU: Do you have the right sweats?
Rita: Do my old sweats with my university across the ass and an old hoodie work?
CGIU: Are they soft and fuzzy inside? If so, now!
Rita: Now is a little short notice J. I will have to figure something out for you on the sweats situation.
Rita: OR maybe you should pick out what you want and bring it to me. I mean, in most of my fantasies that usually involves lingerie, but I am flexible!
CGIU: Okay, I will bring you some! Since you are willing to wear that for me, I’d be happy to wear whatever you want me to
Rita: I would certainly hope so. I don’t have any special requests of you. But I will keep that in mind...
So there’s that to look forward to, Reader. I know you probably think we are making this shit up, but really, is that even possible? So people that are turned on by their partner dressing up as a mascot or large animal are called Furries? What the fuck is someone into plush sweats called? Plushies? Turns out, no. Urbandictionary.com (the be-all-end-all of interwebs knowledge) says that is someone sexually aroused by stuffed animals. Ummm? Sweaties? Oh wow. Don’t google that, I’ll save you the trouble:
or 'the sweaties' is a physiological disorder in which an individual (who is often overweight) develops a sweat patch around the axilla (underarm region), mammary gland (man boob/breast region) or back, in an environment in which a person deemed normal would not sweat. These disturbed individuals are often referred to as sweaty fuck tards, or sft’s for short.
And how about fuzzies? Shit! Apparently that’s just another way to say Furries. Well…if you have a suggestion, for the love of god, leave a comment as we are at a loss here.
I’ll let you know how sweatpant sex goes, if it happens.
- Rita
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