“That guy wears a big cowboy hat, but has no cattle.”
Preface: Cowboy is a friend I made at the gym probably about 5 years ago. At the time we met, he was dating a girl he would later purpose to, marry and divorce (all in less than 2 years). Recently single himself, Cowboy is trying to find his dating legs. As you will see below, he possesses enough ego for about four men and even then we’d probably still end up having to cut their shirts off of them because their heads are so fucking swelled up. To his great credit, he is gorgeous, he is ripped and shredded every which way til Sunday, and his Aryan/Adonis good looks are ridiculous by normal human standards. However, Rita says if he didn’t have a dick, he’d be useless to society.
Cowboy: Why did you skip dinner last night
Stoney: Cause ol’ whats-her-face didn’t text me until 5:30 and I had work plans and dinner already. My week is stupid.
Cowboy: So we didn’t eat until 8:30. We are more important lol
Stoney: I didn’t get home until 9 and had a friend at my house waiting on me
Cowboy: pish posh applesauce
(WTF!)
Stoney: You are allowed to simply say that you miss me. I would understand.
Cowboy: Awh, Stoney, I need you like the desert needs the rain
Stoney: Ummmmm…that sounds sincere however I am fairly certain deserts only need rain with very little frequency…
Cowboy: Not true if the desert had rain all the time it would be a rain forest
(bordering on the dumbest text conversation ever at this point)
Stoney: Right but the plants and animals that live in the desert need very little rain
Cowboy: Fine whatever you didn’t even ask if I was ok from my wreck
Stoney: I didn’t even know you were in a wreck! You don’t talk to me anymore!
Cowboy: Some friend you are gosh, it was all over facebook
Stoney: Some friend you are…I have to read about your goings on on facebook!
Cowboy: I have a broken neck. I had a lot going on
Cowboy: ok my neck just hurts but I have an appt
Stoney: A lot going on? Whatever…you’ve been hanging out with ol’ whats-her-face plenty. I hope your neck is ok. I also hope that if anything serious ever happened to you that I wouldn’t have to wait for a facebook status update.
Cowboy: I did have to go to the hospital on a back board
Cowboy: You don’t come to my gym anymore to talk :P
Stoney: I shouldn’t have to seek you out.
Cowboy: Hey you skipped the last two dinners
Stoney: I didn’t skip them. I had plans. There’s a difference. I can’t do things last minute sometimes. Jeebs
Cowboy: Cripes lol Not my fault you moved and became too cool for folks from the northside
Stoney: Cripes indeed! I have to chase you around to be friends with you. FUUUUUCK
Cowboy: I’m a busy man Everyone wants Thor around
Stoney: I’m a busy woman. Don’t be a douche
Cowboy: I don’t wear Afflicition
Stoney: You don’t have to wear Afflicition to be a douche…believe me
(side note: if you are wearing Affiliction anything right now while you read this…I’m sorry to break it to you, but you’re a douche!)
Cowboy: hahahaha You girls just can’t handle the awesome that exudes from my pours
Stoney: Pores* and no we can’t handle being in the same room as you and your giant ego. There’s just not room for all 3 of us.
Cowboy: That’s why the gym is so big. Jack*, Bill* and I def had flex off yesterday, it was uber gay
Stoney: That sounds about right
Cowboy: Yup people were watching in awe
Stoney: No they weren’t. They were watching and thinking “what a group of narcissic wanks!”
Cowboy: Nope They wanted to lick the sweat off of my ripping physique
Stoney: I give up
Cowboy: Why would you do that, bc you can’t beat me down like the rest of the weak boys you know J
Stoney: I wouldn’t call them weak. I’d call them nice and selfless. And I don’t beat them down…they come willingly. ;)
At this point, I just had to stop communication…I felt like my IQ was dropping significantly with each text and just gave up. So unlike me, really.
*Names were changed to protect the innocent. Ok…well they were changed anyway…the innocent thing is totally debatable.
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