Lessons from Rita and Stoney that you need to make sure you got this month:
Get yourself to the gym. You know you should be getting in at least an hour of cardio, 4-5 days a week. And yes, the guys there are hot, but be wary. They are also often narcissistic douchebags. But who doesn't want to look at a pretty narcissistic douchebag while you're sweating the vodka out of your system?
Get yourself a gay. Get a few. Gay men are lovely friends, sort of a cross between the support of your best friend and the brutal truth-telling of your mother. They are fiercely loyal and know what shoes look best with that sundress you love. They're a great sounding board for all of your dating madness and will be your biggest cheerleader, but will never compete for the same guys as you. Yes, we know - male perfection!
Guys like to be told no. I know that this seems contrary to anything that makes sense in the world, but men like to chase. If they think there's something that they can't have, it becomes their sole focus. Nothing seems to inflame a guy like being told no, except maybe being ignored. (The text equivalent of being told no? Radio Silence.) It may take some longer to get inflamed and start sniffing around, but they almost always do and will pursue you once you've expressed complete disinterest and delete them from your phone.
Men are like chicken sandwiches. Think of all of the grilled chicken sandwiches you've had in your life and look upon men in the same way. If a guy doesn't perk up your interest like the spicy and naughty Cuban sandwich or perhaps a giant tasty reuben (mmmm, thousand island dressing), that's ok. They have a use, they fill the void, and they keep you going until you can get back to that great Cuban place. The Cuban's a keeper, the chicken sandwich is filler.
If you wear anything Affliction, you are a douche. If you don't know this from personal experience already, you're welcome. It will be the best advice you hear all year.
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