We regret to inform you that we must create an entire post dedicated solely to thwarting the douchebaggedness that is the male form of "asking" a woman for a date. We (read as: us and our single female friends) have had some seriously unfortunate run-ins with the penis holders as of late that have made us nothing short of strident! So here it is, How Not to Date or more appropriately how-not-to-sound-like-a-complete-needy-self-consumed-asshat when asking (using that term loosely) for a date.
The following are some examples of what not to do when asking a woman out. Keep in mind these are taken from our real lives and should be read with caution as they will piss you off as well, we have no doubt.
Example 1: Rita went out with a guy once recently and he was decidedly looking for only a booty call (which is fine, but she couldn't decide if she was attracted to him or not). So she gave him the Rita Treatment - Delete. But he recently resurfaced a few weeks later and asked again if he could see her, he wanted to go out again. She agreed to see him and told him to figure something out. So a couple of days later, he texted and asked her if she wanted to go out for drinks after work - at 4:00 on said day. No, Rita told him kindly, she already had plans for the evening. Another time, perhaps. A couple of days later, the same thing. Text at 5:00 to ask if she had dinner plans. Unfortunately, she already did.
The next day he texts again So when do you want to go out? To which Rita responded:
Rita: If you would like to go out with me, I will tell you what you need to do. Pick an event - be it breakfast, lunch, dinner, checkers, or parcheesi. Then determine the next day in the future that you are free, and ask me if I am free on that day as well. If I am not free, ask me when the next day is that I would be available for checkers. Simple!
Orange Vest Guy (long story): Ok! I would like to have lunch with you tomorrow. And play checkers. Are you free?
Rita: Why yes, I am. Where are we going?
OVG: Where do you want to go?
Rita: No, this date is your idea and your event.
OVG: Ok, how about Restaurant at noon?
Rita: That works! See you then!
Rita actually took Connect Four, if you're wondering. But I digress. Yes, Reader, Rita had to tell a guy how to ask her out. Commentary from Rita: This is a sad state of affairs for the men of our (ok, not mine, but maybe your) generation. I mean really - don't other guys clue eachother in on this stuff? Or didn't some girl didn't teach you before the age of 28 that you need to man up and figure out what asking a girl out means? Or maybe my ire is misplaced - maybe you Under 30 Girls are actually so not occupied with other amusing things that when someone asks you out to dinner approximately one hour before said dinner is to occur, YOU GO. FOR SHAME. You are not that desperate.
Example 2: Stoney met a guy recently in a bar (go figure). Sweet enough guy and very complimentary...of her ass. All the same, she gave him her phone number. He repeatedly asked her, over the holidays, to come over and "cuddle." (Dear Fucktards, We are not stupid. We know we don't need a decoder ring to figure out that you want to fuck. Sincerely, Most Women Over 20). He always made this request at or after 10:30pm during various nights over the course of a week. Then after these repeated declined attempts, he decided that Stoney wasn't interested. Here are a few of his choice text messages (again, not an appropriate way to ask for a date).
The Cuddler 11:45PM: I'm wondering why you're not hanging out with me.
Stoney 11:46PM: Right now? Because it's 11:45 and I have to work tomorrow.
The Cuddler 11:49PM: Cop out!
Stoney 11:52PM: Maybe you could ask me to do something sometime...ya know, like during the daylight time.
The Cuddler 11:53PM: Haven't I done that a few times?
Stoney 12:02AM: Not really. You've asked me to come over for a squeeze, get me from behind, come cuddle, etc but no usually until after 10ish.
The Cuddler 12:05AM: I do not believe I have asked to get you from behind. Just said I was thinking about it.
Stoney 12:05AM: Sorry. Autocorrect.
The next day at 2:45PM he text her and asked her to go to dinner with him that night. Another fatal fuck up, gentleman, don't assume that we are sitting around waiting for you to call. We don't leave our nights free just in the hope that you MIGHT ask us to do something. Not to sound snide, but we typically plan at least 4-5 days out. Plan accordingly.
The Cuddler: It's gonna be time to hang out soon.
He continues to ask Stoney to come over, cuddle, watch a movie...on his couch. Again, we aren't stupid. All of these mean you want us to come, fuck, and leave. Just be honest. Worst we can say is no. At which point, you're no worse off than you were before, dumbass.
The Cuddler 9:45PM: How am I gonna get you to hang out? And don't tell me to try if you won't try me. Because I want to try you.
At this point, after reading Rita the entire excruciating text stream, Rita tells her to give him the Checkers Speech (via text, of course, this is how we are doing it now, apparently) about what it will take to ask her out.
Stoney 9:53PM: You should decide what you would like to do. Be it lunch, dinner, checkers or whatever. And then you ask me when I'm available to do said activity with you. I will respond with days that I am available in hopes that it coincided with a day that you are also free.
The Cuddler 9:54PM: When are you available? I don't care what we do! I've been asking you to hang out for days and you haven't even really given me a no!
Stoney 10:06PM: Cause you've been asking me to come over to your house. I don't know you. And I haven't said no because I don't want to.
The Cuddler 10:07PM: Well then tell me you don't want to come to my house! I can't guess these things! I'll come to yours!
Stoney 10:24PM: Are you upset? That's a lot of exclamation points!
The Cuddler 12:33AM: Jerk
The Cuddler 2:23AM: jk, love you.
The Cuddler 12:38PM: I love you
Stoney 12:40PM: Are you day drinking?
Commentary from Stoney: I eventually gave up even trying to teach him HOW to ask me out when he tried to get me to go to dinner again on the day of asking. Yes, I fucking have dinner plans. It's 4:15PM...I plan ahead. I've told you that!
Also, Cuddler, please read your stupid ass text messages (complete with my responses) to a male friend so that he can tell you exactly where you went horribly wrong and fucked up any possible chance with me in any capacity. I think coming from him you might find it far more plausible that you are a complete chode.
The Cuddler clearly wasn't looking for an actual date, but let's be realistic I needed blog fodder so I kept fucking with him via text.
Example 2: Stoney meets another guy in a bar, The Hippie Don Draper. This is the guy that gets irritated when he doesn't get an immediate response to a text. Seriously, isn't that why we text? Don't expect an immediate response. If you want an immediate fucking response, pick up the fucking phone and call me, listen to my voicemail and it will tell you to send me a fucking text cause I don't want to listen to your god damn voicemail.
It's New Years' Eve, we are drunk. In a bar. These things happen. Hippie Don Draper (HDD) gets Stoney's number and proceeds to text her his whereabouts for the remainder of the night hoping to see her again. She's trashed and trying to break that horrible drunk texting thing that she's got going on. By 4:30AM, he's sent her a picture of himself so that she doesn't forget what he looks like. He texts her again the next day (hangover day) and asks her to go for a drink that night. Um, Hello!!! Did you not see my tore down ass at 3am? What part of that scene made you think that I would be drinking again today? Texting chit chat ensues as she already has plans for the next couple of nights, but lets him know that she is, in fact, interested in seeing him again. A couple of days pass and she gets a random picture of him via text.
Stoney (keep in mind this is 5 days from their original meeting): Is this so I haven't forgotten what you look like?
HDD 7:05PM: Maybe.;)
HDD 7:30PM: It was nice to meet you ...wish you the best
Stoney 7:32PM: Are we not going to see each other again? I kind of thought we would...
HDD 7:55PM: I truly don't mean to be rude but judging by the lack of any real communication I find it very confusing that you would want to see each other again. You seem very nice and I'm sure you are but let's be honest if you were interested we'd be talking...no harm no foul...I love bar we met at and I'm sure we'll run into each other again sometime.
Stoney 8:59PM: Was I supposed to initiate? I was getting though my weekend plans and starting the new year at work hectically, but I guess que sera sera.
HDD 9:03PM: I initiated several times, but your right que sera sera
Commentary from Stoney: First off, no matter what the media, use the correct version of 'you're.' Nothing is more unattractive than poor grammar. Well, that's not totally true...having enough back and shoulder hair that people think you are swimming in a sweater is more unattractive. But I digress, he asked me to go to have a drink exactly once. Via text. When was this real conversation have happened? He's been deleted. Pictures and all.
We are left wondering how the ability to ask women out might have skipped a generation. Does texting make it too easy? Does being able to connect all day, every day negate the need to sit across the table from someone and get to know them? Or are we really doing the connecting via text and then just meeting to go to bed? Will dating become the next lost art, like origami? Say it isn't so. Stoney just asked if I was channeling Carrie Bradshaw...I'll step down from my soap box now.
- Rita & Stoney
You are flipping geniuses. I love it.
ReplyDelete