The Gee Spot: Fishing

Here's what single people do sometimes - they look for a date on-line. YEAH, WE SAID IT. People do this and no one really likes to admit it. But it's not just the exception these days, it's the rule. There are sites for everything that you are looking for - Single Parents Meet, Cougar Life, Match, eHarmony - just for a start. Then there's Plenty of Fish. POF is a free site for "dating". We use quotes here, because experience proves so far that it's really more of a hook-up site, rather than anyone looking for a relationship. Which is why Stoney has been on it for a couple of months, and why I recently joined.

We are of the strong mind that the following guidelines - nay, RULES should be applied when posting a picture or creating a profile for online dating:

1. Do NOT post a picture that you have taken of yourself in your bathroom. We don't care how pretty your pink iPhone case and shower curtain are, this just makes you look like you have no friends that are willing and patient enough to take a good picture of you. In which case, we don't want to meet you anyway.

2. Do NOT post pictures of yourself with other women (or men if that's the team you play for). Regardless of whether it's your sister or friend's wife, it makes you appear arrogant. And we weren't born yesterday.

3. Use spell check! For fuck's sake, Bill Gates invented that shit for a reason! Employ it. Otherwise, we think you're an idiot.

4. Shirtless photos and 'dick pics.' This must be addressed. Shirtless photos of you on a beach or a boat (or something similar) taken by a friend are fine. Shirtless photos taken of yourself in your bathroom mirror are narcissistic and once again, make you look like you are ate up with yourself. In which case, you don't have time for us because you are busy being awesome.

4.5 Subcategory: Dick-pics. Although you cannot post these on the various dating sites directly, you feel the need to text these to us. (This should and likely will be another entire post, but needs to be mentioned here as well). NEWSFLASH! Dicks are not attractive to women as a standalone feature. These pictures do NOT turn us on when we open them on our phones. We do, however, open them, laugh and then share them with our friends (both those who are in our company and anybody else we can forward them to). We aren't going to call you just because we have a picture of your penis. Again, these pictures make you seem cocky (yup, pun intended).

5. Backgrounds in the images that you choose tell a lot about you. Clean up the beer can tower and take down the 1970s picture of your grandparents or simply choose a different background.

6. Advice: Let a female friend choose your profile picture. Trust us, she knows what women find attractive.

7. If your profile indicates that you do not smoke (or drink), do not then include a photo of you smoking (or drinking). You are automatically assumed to be a liar. (I can't believe I had to point that out!)

8. Don't lie about your body-type. We aren't fucking blind (well, some of us may be but in those cases eventually you are going to want a woman to touch you and she's going to find out you are not 'athletic' and in fact have 'a few extra pounds.' And that blind woman...her sense of touch is way better than those of us who can see, so she'll know that it's well over a 'few' extra. Just sayin').

9. I want to say something about douchecapes (i.e. anything that looks like or says Afflicition on it) here, but I won't since I know many women are ok with them and even (GOD FORBID) find them attractive.

I'm sure there are far more, but this should be enough tips to get you started on a quality profile. We will definitely add more as they are presented through market research.

While there are certainly a handful of normal people on the site, it is dominated by the strange, the chubby, the hairless, the nerdy, the creepy…. We'd like to provide a sample for you, complete with Stoney's color commentary for the pictures. Enjoy!

Hugs for everyone...wait? What?