Having recently become single, the idea of using texting, sexting and picture messaging was a completely foreign concept to me. Shit, the last time I dated, I had just gotten my first Nokia flip phone and thought I was pretty fucking cool. Now I have far too many media streams at my polished little finger tips and am completely overwhelmed. Take me back to the days when you sat with your pager (yea, that’s right, I had a pager) in one hand and your cordless phone in the other, doing your best to figure out what the fuck “43 5453 86 36 34789 844647 86 968” translated into. These messages were, of course, followed by a code one assigned himself so as to identify his person. (By the way, don’t piss away an hour at work trying to figure out that it says “I’d like to do dirty things to you.”)
With that, at least once a week (perhaps more frequently depending on the level or frequency of general texting douchebaggery), Rita or I will post a text conversation that we’ve had with a ________ (fill in the blank here with any of the following: current lover, dude-who-wants-to-fuck- you-but-won’t-just-come-straight-out-and-say-it, guy wanting to date, random bar wanker, married guy, etc). Some of these text conversations will display our awesomeness in text communication, while some make us look like complete jackasses that have no idea what we are doing.
Key: ( ) = what we are actually thinking while reading his response, but are far too kind to actually type back. We like to fancy ourselves in possession of some manners and couth.
Also note: All texts will be transcribed as they were written by both parties. Even though Rita and Stoney both abhor the use of such stupidity as “LOL” and “K.” K!!!! You can't even take the time to type O before that??? But I digress.
Preface: E-Bag is a guy I met at the gym. He’s probably in his late 30s. Possibly a divorcee…really, I have no idea…I’ve talked to him in short spurts twice. I’ve never been on a date with him. Prior to this text conversation, he asked me to hang out with him once or twice but always waiting until it’s completely last minute (as in 11pm or later on a weeknight). Also, note the times on this text stream.
Wednesday
12:24AM E-bag: Wassup (yeah, he's so gangsta)
12:25AM Stoney: Just headed to bed. Whatchu doin?
12:27AM E-bag: Coming over
12:35AM Stoney: Ummmm? To come over and chat? ;)
(I was totally being a smartass, but trying to be charming while doing it hence that stupid wink face bullshit)
12:36AM E-bag: Yep
12:37AM Stoney: At 12:38 in the morning?
12:38AM E-bag: I guess not
12:30AM Stoney: Sorry, I have about 5 mins of awake left in me
12:47AM E-bag: Call me
12:58AM E-BAG CALLS ME!! (Are you fucking kidding me? 1AM on Friday morning! Seriously…)
Needless to say, I did not answer this phone call. So the next night:
Thursday:
10:55PM E-bag: Come meet me for a drink
10:56PM Stoney: Unable to drive. Too much wine & Rita is here. Where are you anyway?
11:13PM E-bag: Name of Bar
11:13PM E-bag: Cab it I will pay
11:15PM Stoney (mildly intoxicated): Oddly, a cab just passed my house. I need to go to sleep…I have a b’fast meeting.
12:21AM E-bag: Well im done asking u to do things
(Really? In general done asking me to do things or specifically after 11PM on weeknights? I have no earthly comprehension of how he can be crappy that I don’t want to go out with him for the first time at midnight on a Thursday!)
Friday morning:
9:55AM Stoney: If you want to get together sometime, let’s plan it. I wasn’t going to “cab it” at 12:30AM last night due to my schedule this morning.
No response from E-bag until 4 days later. Are you fucking kidding me? Calling me at 1AM, waiting until midnight to ask me to hang out and grab a drink and then getting pissy when I don’t comply is COMPLETELY unacceptable. In the name of blog research (and 'cause he's hot, I'm not going to lie), I decided to accept a date with him tonight. Stay tuned.
- The Fox
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