As a prelude to our scheduled scavenger hunt later in the week (yes, I actually wrote a scavenger hunt centered around the firemen), Rita convinced me to go out at 10:30PM on a Tuesday night (simply because it was FDIC week). See the conversation that transpired below. I'm still almost positive we should take our show on the road.
Rita: Let me be more clear: eat, as in eat at home, if at all. Check. Go home from 7-10:30pm. Check. Instead of languishing doing nothing until of our usual bedtime of 12:30, go downtown. Check. Social experiment challenge to drink water, cranberry, etc. (this didn't happen by the way - but you knew that already) Check. You stayed up fucking a 22 year old til the wee hours when you had to work the next day - let some gainfully employed adults hit on you for a couple of hours.
Stoney: You make a valid case. Check. I want to punch you in the face. Check. Before you punch me in mine for being a lazy ass. Check.
Rita: My work here is done.
Stoney: Check.
Before I dive into the next section of our text steam, it should be noted that I have created a game for when Rita and I go out. We are in the midst of creating 'teams' for one another, the goal being to create the suckiest team possible for your competition. (Same day at the gym)
Stoney: Check out the orange dude with the Brittney Spears headset on the stair climber. Your team!!!
Rita: Fuck!
Stoney: I bet your team give amazing head bc it sucks so GD hard!
Rita: You team smells like rancid oysters on the half shell.
Stoney: Suck a bag of dicks.
Ok, sorry for the derailment, back to it...Rita and I also started operating under the umbrella question: WWRDD? (What Would Rita Danger Do?) Since we obviously both use pen names, it's more of an internal struggle to decide whether to be lazy turds or go out and whore around. So I was being said lazy turd (although as I told her, I managed to wash my twat), when Rita text me: WWRDD?
Stoney: Fuck! You would use that against me!
Rita: It seems apropos here, doesn't it?
Stoney: Fuck you! Stop it! God damn it! I'll put on some fucking makeup and push my tits into my chin.
Rita: That's my girl. Twat washing to commence stat. We need to get our kicks before we have to start using a walker.
Stoney: I get to punch you in the twat when I get there. And I get the nice walker. Pre-dibs.
Rita: That's ok, I reserved a motorized 3 wheeler with a basket for me.
Stoney: What are you wearing, assface?
Rita: So enjoying the love here. Jeans, a blazer and a white tee.
Stoney: You took the 3 wheeler. Was I supposed to be happy?
Rita: You are 10 years younger than me and didn't play derby.
Stoney: I could get hurt tomorrow in a horse barrel competition, you just never know. (I'm not even sure what this consists of)
Rita: The only danger you're in of getting injured is massive penis impalement or someone running up onto your front porch and beating you up while you're out for a smoke.
Stoney: You just upgraded from twat punch to a solid shanking. Good work!
Rita: SHANK
Rita: You beautiful yet???
Stoney: I have on socks. So yes.
Rita: Hurry the fuck up!
Stoney: Suck it you red headed slut. I'm working on it.
Rita: Tick tock. If you're this mad at me I must really be doing something right.
Stoney: Sorry. Autocorrect. That was supposed to say 'On my way'
Stoney: Also, I'm wearing a turtleneck. You're welcome.
And all of that was even before we made it anywhere. Clearly Firefighter's Week will have to be a 3 part (or more, depending on the weekend) blog. As we weren't at the first bar but 5 minutes when this happened:
Random Fireman: ...well, you girls clearly have standards.
Stoney: What gave you that idea? My tit tattoo?
More to come...
-Stoney
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