Stoney Can't Seem to Stop: Fishing Round 3!

I tried.  I really did, but Plenty of Fish (POF) is such a plethora of fucktards I couldn't seem to turn the habit loose.

In true Rita & Stoney fashion, we sucked one of our lovely, brilliant, lady friends into the shitshow that is the 'MEET ME' feature on POF.  If you've never been on the site, allow me to explain.  This is the most shallow (yet awesome) of online dating features.  You basically look at only images of people on the site and click 'Yes,' 'No,' or 'Maybe' to potentially meeting them. That's it. That's the entire concept.  Think HotOrNot.com only you aren't rating them so it's only slightly less shallow.  If you click 'Yes' or 'Maybe,' the  person then receives a message that you would like to meet them.

I explain this concept to our friend, let's call her Fetish Girl (cause it's mysterious and sounds like a super hero, which she pretty much is) and off we go with "Meet Me Roulette".  Fetish Girl (FG) is completely appalled, but like us also sucked in by the asinine pictures that these men post.

I introduce her to game that Rita & I like to play called "Which one is it?" Guys, and girls too I'm sure, like to post pictures where they are posing with their friends. Unfortunately, the guy who has posted said picture is usually the lumpy guy in the back holding up deuces who hasn't shaved in two weeks and still only has patches of hair on his face.  I'm still on the fence about if it's rude to write the author of the profile and ask if the one hot guy in the photo with him is single, straight and looking and, if so, to please pass along my contact information to him.  If you have thoughts on this, please let us know.

So I pulled an example, so that you too may play along. Ready....WHIIIIIIICH ONE IS IT? Please, please be the hot one in the middle with the scarf and smirk!
Womp...no, it's the dude in the football jersey.

And now on with the show!  Please remember that I don't alter these photos in any way, shape or form.  I pull them directly from POF profiles as they appear.

Thank you for showing us your creepy devil tattoo and relentless back hair. Damn, that's hot!

Want to be my second wife? Although I would like to believe this isn't HIS wedding photo that he posted to a dating site, I still see no valid reason to post this photo while looking for a potential mate. In any capacity. 

I'm so confused by this one, I can't even make a smartass comment, Ray J. 

I'm sorry. I can't read your profile past your mustache.

You knew there would be at least one shirtless bathroom self portrait in here. Why? Why do men keep doing this? Women are going to keep doing ducklips until you quit doing this stupid ass pose.

Oh WAIT! Duck lips. Not just for college girls anymore.  I retract the previous negotiation as it is now no longer applicable. 

 Douchecape with matching permanent douche tattoo. WIN!

No seriously! I looked at this dude's profile. He's practicing to be a ninja.  Which as you will see below, is apparently a common theme among 30something men.

He's a Ninja. You know how I know...he reverse suntanned that shit into his back.

Perfect chin strap. Load hair with product. Get in bath tub. Set phone to sultry. Look longingly into camera. SNAP and POST! Thanks, wannabe George Michael, we salute you. Actually the dude from Photo #3 above salutes you.

Please see Question #2 of The Application. Do not post photographic evidence of why we wouldn't want to date (or fuck) you.

But this round's top price goes to this guy who posted a profile complete with up-to-date photos. From his prison cell. Actually, this is the same guy with the devil tattoo from above. Can you believe such a package exists? Me neither! I emailed him. Clearly, I'm not at all into the commitment thing right now so this is a great option for me.

This, folks, is why people pay to be on other dating sites. Although, I'm sure they don't get this kind of quality men on Match.com. 

If you've been doing any online trolling lately, feel free to email us any tasty morsels you run across (ritadangerfox@gmail.com). We'll be sure to add them to Round 4 of our Fishing Series. Yea, that's right, fuck it, it's a series now rather than an addiction. That just sounds better.

-Stoney

Let's Review - Winter 2012 --The Winter of Our Discontent

More tips from Rita and Stoney if you've missed our recent hilarity in the past few months:

Italics indicates commentary by Stoney.

1) You can teach yourself to squirt.  Who knew?  I vote Stoney takes this upon herself to learn and report back to us all. Sounds like a lot of market research (i.e. porn) & masturbation for me. Yea, ok. I will take one for the good of society and report back. 

2) When trying to get a girl to go out on a date please keep in mind the following:

a)       Don't ask a girl to do any activity just a couple of hours before said activity. If we don't actually have plans, we will make some up solely because you are a jacksack for waiting until the last minute to ask. 

b)      Give serious consideration to using the phone and having a grown-up, semi-live conversation in which you actually have to put sentences together and sound coherent without having an hour to think about what to say and how to spell it correctly. When you text all of the time and never call, we think you can't actually carry on a real conversation.  The wonderful thing about texting is that you get to think (a lot) about how to be witty or sweet or smart. Real conversation isn't like that. If you're an idiot, we'll know in 3 sentences or less. 

c)      Have a plan for what you will be doing and when you would like to do it. Read as: Quit fucking saying shit like "I don't care what we do" or "I'll let you decide." We just think you're a lazy, indecisive turd.

d)      Be flexible if she is not available when you are - ask for the next open time she has.  We fill our hours with really fun stuff and you need to be more fun than said stuff if you want to get the coveted time slot that you are asking for. I am in complete and utter agreement with this, but good luck being more fun than our friends. All I have to say is that you're lucky you have a penis.

e)      THIS IS NOT GODDAMN ROCKET SCIENCE. Share with your friends.

3) Religious people are often concealing extreme appetites.  For some reason, when people dedicate themselves to religion, it seems that they are trying to escape or exorcise part of themselves.  This can be intriguing, and slightly terrifying.  And fucking hot.

4) Women, when not in the company of men, tend to talk a LOT about sex.  And get very specific.  If you think otherwise, your female friends and girlfriends are lying their asses off to you. It's girl code.  Sorry. AND HOW! Over a couple of bottles of wine the other night, Rita, myself and another very sexually open-minded friend were downloading sex position apps to our smart phones (even smarter now!).  Download yours today. They're fucking awesome and harvest a ton of laughter. Who has rigid poles securely hung in their bedroom ceiling anyway?

5) We're sorry, guys, for the ladies that don't like to give head.  Truly, deeply sorry.  Rita and Stoney have very strong feelings about said sexual act, and while are not exactly saying that you should reconsider a relationship with someone who doesn't like to wrap their lips around The Wee Man occasionally - wait, that's exactly what we're saying.  RUN. Mmmmm, penis. 

5A) Ladies, see above.  Also note - if you don’t want to suck your man's dong, there is a drunk girl in a bar who will find it piteous that you don't, and will.  Figure out what bothers you about this act and get past it.  Guys like head.  The End. If nothing else, realize that semen is chock full of protein and zinc.  It can cure a cold and bulk you up at the same time.  It's like a Super Food. Swallow, DAMN IT!

5B) People who don't give oral should not be allowed to receive oral.  Ever.  This is Rita's personal rule.  I'm a strident bitch, what can I say.

6) A threesome works very well when you are the person invited in to have fun with a couple who want to have a threesome.  Proceed with caution if you are considering bringing someone else into your relationship for some fun.  What it turns into can be tricky.  No matter how tight (or uncommitted) you two think you are. Having never experienced a dick in any orifice at the same time my face is in some woman's twat, I have no comment on this one. (Truthfully, I just thought this was a good time to write twat on this blog. You're welcome).

6A) People who work in hotels see people going to have threesomes all the time.  I'm going to do a survey to back this up.  Watch for a future post.

7) Stoney, our long-reigning Queen of Co-Dependency, has finally booted the beautiful asshole, Sexyback, to the curb.  Rita couldn't be prouder.  You, too, can kick your bad habit of feeling like if you just try hard enough, people will become the person that you want them to be, instead of the person that they really are.  Rita hopes that you have a friend who will look you in the face and tell you that no matter how good looking he is, he will never give a flying fuck about anything but himself if that's been his Modus Operandi up to this point.  And you will want to kill your friend, but she will be right, and you will feel something akin to dignity when you ignore that guy for once and for all. She's right. I fucking hate it when she's right. It's so damned irritating, but oh well. I'm ok with being wrong (sometimes). Although Sexyback was nice to look at for awhile, he was the King of the Narcissistic Pricks.  Someone send a scepter and crown directly to his condo. Ugh.

Here's to a better Spring for all of us! According to all of the astrological crap I read online (so it must be true), the Vernal Equinox (March 20, 2012 at 7:41PM EST) marks the beginning of the new astrological calendar.  A quick summary of all these websites gave me this: Spring is for new beginnings, both spiritually and physically. It's the best time of year to start new romantic bullshit and endeavors of all kinds. Translation: Go get you some strange to start off the 'New Year' right. Boom! Astrology by Stoney. 

Rita & Stoney

Living with Stoney

I'm pretty sure I solidified my position as the best roommate in the history of the world with this little gem:

It's red velvet, in case you were wondering.  It just seemed appropriate.  I will write more about 'last weekend' soon! So much to share.

-Stoney

Adventures in Texting. SXB: Fin

As Rita keeps reminding me, I haven't written about anything very substantial since November! Well folks, that's because there hasn't been anyone worth writing about in all honesty.  At the end of my last post regarding Sexy Back (SXB), I mentioned LunchMeat. Well, falling in line with all of the fucksticks that came before him, he turned out to be a complete flake.

LunchMeat and I went on 4 awesome dates shared a couple of great kisses (yup, that was it. This guy had real potential). We hit it off amazingly or so I thought.  Then the holidays came.  A busy time for everyone. Especially single men that aren't close to their families, right? One night after our 4th date he called me and we chatted for 15 minutes or so and then he had an "emergency call from work" and said he'd call me right back. We all know what happened next. Nothing. I never heard from him again. I can only assume that he was captured by wolves and is now being raised in some kind of pack system or that he was mauled by the last remaining cougar in the Midwest (and I don't mean Rita).

All the same, with my confidence at a record low, when SXB reached out and wanted to make amends for being the kind of douche that should literally wear a cape and tote a scepter, I regretfully agreed to meet him for dinner.  Long story short, as you might expect, it was horrible.  The food was good, but the company blew ass and the conversation was, to say the least, lacking.  Only after this 'date,' he actually contacted me again.  I ended up watching a movie with him a week later at his place. I'm an idiot. I'm well aware. I left after the movie much to his disappointment and didn't hear from him for about a week. And this has been our communication since.

10 days after being at his house.
SXB: Watching The Recruit. Wanna come over?
Stoney: No thanks. I'm packing.
SXB: No thanks? Where are you going?
Stoney: Um? No, but thank you for asking. Out of town for work.
SXB: Sweet. When you leaving?
Stoney: 6am tomorrow
SXB: When you back? I'm gonna miss you.
Stoney: Um? I haven't seen you in a week and a half...I don't think you'll miss me too much.
SXB: Well where have you been?
Stoney: I threw in the towel.
SXB: You give up to easy.
Stoney: I'm not chasing you.
SXB: Maybe a little chase?
Stoney: I'm not chasing. If I have to chase, you aren't interested.
SXB: A little...
Stoney: Exactly.  You're only a little interested.
SXB: No. Chase a little.
Stoney: I knew what you meant.

8 days later.
SXB: Hello...

10 days later
SXB: Hello...

6 days later
SXB: Hi. How are you?
SXB: Need to talk to you...if you will answer
Stoney: What's up?
SXB: Want to talk to you...
SXB: Want you to be my friend.
Stoney: No you don't
SXB: Yes I do...please let me. Trying to right a wrong.
Stoney: No
SXB: Okay I understand
SXB: But I really do...I'm sorry for my behavior.
Stoney: Thanks.
SXB: Welcome. So you won't be my friend?
Stoney: Why? No.
SXB: Why not? Don't understand...
Stoney: Because that's not actually what you want.  You want someone to come over every other week and give you head.  This is not a friendship.
SXB: I just said trying to make a wrong right...I really do.
Stoney: No.
SXB: Sorry you feel that way Stoney...maybe another time
Stoney: Probably not
SXB: Probably?
Stoney: No. No probably.
SXB: That's not nice...
Stoney: I've been too nice.
SXB: Now you're being mean...
Stoney: Fin
SXB: Fine...I assume.
Stoney: No. Fin. It's french for 'the end.'
SXB: Well thank you...I learned something today
Stoney: Welcome.

And that, my friends, is that.  If texting is the conversational equivalent of a hand job, then this 'relationship' went through a Costco-sized bottle of lotion trying to get the job done and still never got anything accomplished.

Fin
Stoney.