Rita and I recently attended a girl's night at a friend of hers' home. There, I met a myriad of truly lovely women, ranging in age from 23 to 50ish. Wine was flowing and chatter ensued. During the normal course of conversation, the talk turns to blow jobs - as so frequently happens in large groups of classy women such as ourselves. (The conversation goes to either sex or food, take your pick - Rita.) One ravishing 30-something exclaimed, "Oh GAWD! I hate giving head. I've only done that for my husband like, ONCE." Rita and I locked widened eyes with each from across the room and our mouths both gaped open in horror. We silently shook our heads at each other and bit our tongues. As soon as we walked out the door, we chatted incessantly about how a woman could possibly not enjoy giving head. We were absolutely baffled.
As we drove home we quickly rattled off all of the reasons we LOVE giving a blow job:
1) Authority. Doesn't matter what physical position you are in for said oral escapade, you are in the position of authority. Let me break it down for you: His. Dick. Is. In. Your. Mouth. That is all.
2) The noises and sounds they make (hopefully) like "OH" "Dear Sweet Baby Jeebus!" "Fuck" "UH!" "Yes!" "Holy FUCK!" "When did you...OH! GOD" "Seriously?" "UH" "No...SERIOUSLY" "SHIT!" and then there's the part where his head (the one on his shoulders) flops back uncontrollably with a sigh and a "Oooohhhhhhhhh."
3) The compliments. What woman (or man) doesn't want to be complimented? Especially after any kind of sex act. "Seriously! That was the MOST amazing head ever!" "That thi...thing you did with your tongue and then your, um, hands, you know...JESUS! Are you real? You can't be real?" "Do you want to meet my parents now? Cause I think I want to marry you. Tomorrow." (I would like to add one of my personal favorites "Fuck, you're gifted.")
4) The smell. I have to qualify this as it's probably the same reason that men like to eat pussy. For the most part, the musky (sorry, no better way to put it) smell of a man is intoxicating. I don't mean fresh out of the shower, and I don't mean having sat at a football game in the sun all day. Maybe...walking in the door from work? Mmmmmm.
5) The naughtiness factor. Every bad girl worth her salt (I'm talking to YOU, Reader) has a "move" that seems to get her the kudos that everyone wants to hear. Let me tell you, ladies - blow jobs always get you the kudos. They are the naughty move that pretty much every man wants, and thinks is hot. I'm a big fan of not reinventing the wheel and using best practices.
And here's what makes a woman good at head, according to most guys - being into it. You don't have to be an expert, or even extremely good. No one woman has the perfect technique that works for everyone, there's not a class we've taken or a manual we've read to get good at it. Just get down to it, do some experimenting, and make an effort. Maybe even ask if something feels good. But for God's sake, don't half-ass it, like you're doing him some huge favor just so he will eventually get you off and you can go eat dark chocolate and watch Mad Men. Guys know when you're not into it. They want you to LOVE sucking their dick. This makes them feel sexy and desired and like you NEED IT. And frankly, that's hot. I don't care who you are.
We would also like to give you less confident ladies some tips on how to improve your technique if you're one of those girls who just doesn't feel confident enough when she's giving head:
1) Watch porn. - If you aren't doing this already, quit being dumb. It's exciting, and it's instructional.
2) Get a mirror. Stoney has a full wall size mirror in her bedroom (she swears it came with the house). Kneel down with your back to the mirror and suck on some cock. Guys are visual creatures. Seeing this show from all angles is a crazy huge turn-on.
3) Use your hands. Do the old hand-job motion on the shaft while using your mouth on the tip keeps your gag reflex in check. Rita is lucky enough to not have a hair-trigger gag reflex, but hey, everyone's mouth gets tired at some point.
5) Swallow. I can't believe I even had to put that on this list. Don't back up and make a face while he's coming. Would you want your man to do that after he makes you come? At the very least, let him come ON you somewhere and watch. Sexy!
6) Don't try and kiss him after swallowing. That's just a dick move (pun intended) -- men are pussies and are completely grossed out by it. They do, however, like to kiss you after they've eaten you. Double standards abound...
7) Two words: Morning Head! Give your man a wake-up call of your mouth on his cock.! Two more words: Mind Blown!
And finally - Give and You Shall Receive! Golden Rule of head, ladies.
You're welcome,
Rita & Stoney
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