I made it a point to do exactly as I pleased when I got divorced. It was as a result of this deep commitment to doing what felt right in the moment that led me to my first threesome. When presented with it (practically served up on a silver platter), my first instinct was, "Can I really do this?" To which I promptly responded to myself, "YES THE FUCK YOU CAN." I figured that a threesome falling organically into my lap was just about as sexually serendipitous as you can get, and who was I to deny it?
My organic threesome developed as such: I was downtown one night, entertaining friends from out of town. I went to a sort of touristy bar because I thought it would be fun for said out-of-town friends. Oddly, I ran into my then-neighbor (a mother of a couple of kids) and she was with a man who was decidedly NOT her husband, because, well, I knew her husband. And she was all over this guy, despite him being not her husband. When we ran into each other, she and her man were just as shitfaced as was I, and they pulled up chairs at the table with my friends. The first thing that she said to her man was "Pauly, this is Rita. You know, RITA." Well, that kind of intro begs for an explanation, so she went on to divulge that when I came home with a guy in the wee hours of the night/morning, she could, 9 times out of 10, hear me getting it on with him in my house, which was right alongside hers. Not just when I was in the bedroom, which backed up to hers, but when I was in the living room, the porch, the patio (well, duh), the dining room table, etc. She would wake her husband up (or call her lover, who I came to learn was sharing the table with me that night) and listen to me get it on with the flavor of the evening. Well, shit! I had no idea, but I'm not going to lie, I'm pretty proud of the fact that I can draw an audience. Anywho, that was my intro to her boyfriend. So Pauly, who had spent more than one evening on the phone with my neighbor (let's call her Boobies) while I was creating home-grown entertainment next door, made the connection about who I was and was intrigued. Pauly and she met at a conference out of state, and he comes in to see her when her own husband is out of town on business. (Future post - Conference Sex. Watch for it.)
Let me pause in the lurid details here to mention that I actually really like this woman. I have sat at her kitchen table and on her porch and drank wine by the boxload. We've discussed our lives, relationships, fuck ups, and successes. Our kids play together. Your lesson here - there are so many layers to people, it's hard to fathom sometimes. Always remember that everyone that you come into contact with has a deep well of needs and secrets hidden inside them that very few people get to see.
We chatted for a while and had some more drinks. My friends were blissfully unaware that my neighbor was with her boy toy and listened to her rapturously describe his prowess in the sack. He sort of sat back and let the adoration flow over him and tried to make conversation with me. Boobies went on to say that she wishes other women could sleep with Pauly to know the bliss that she does. Seriously? If you have to give a public monologue about this dude, I'm guessing you haven't been laid properly in SOME TIME. Soon my friends had to head back to their hotel, due to early flights the following morning. I get up to throw them in a cab and Boobies grabs me and lets me know that she will cab home with me later if I stay with her and Pauly Penis for another drink. So I return to join them again, marveling at this situation. My neighbor and her lover. They are looking at me and finally she blurts out that she really wants me to have sex with them. It is not lost on me that she doesn't say Him, but THEM. He looks at me, waiting to hear the answer. And I pause for a moment, thinking, "should I…." and then I just fucking agree. Because being the guest star in this fantasy seems like the best case scenario for my first threesome.
I drive them to a hotel (seemed like a good idea at the time to have an escape vehicle) where Pauly is staying downtown. I remember walking drunkenly through the lobby, but distinctively remember the hotel staff checking us out, going up to a room together. I'm sure they see this all the time. They probably write blogs, too. So we get to their room and we all go in.
I had a brief moment where I wondered what exactly I was going to do with a girl AND a guy, since up to this point my experience was guys only, and not usually in front of an audience (at least not one that I was aware of). But things just sort of started happening. They sandwiched me, and started kissing me. I kissed him, I kissed her, she kissed him…clothes were being taken off. As you may have gathered from her nickname, Boobies has an amazing set. Very large and completely natural. I was fascinated. They were so warm and soft, I understand why men are so obsessed. And women kiss differently - still with some aggression, but they're much softer. I guess we're just soft all over ladies. Herein lies our appeal, apparently.
I know you're wondering at this point, and the answer is no, I did not go down on my neighbor and she did not on me. Pauly went down on both of us, alternating. Then he fucked her while I watched and kissed and licked them both, let him touch me. I got on top of him and rode him while she straddled his face. Then I got on top of her and straddled her waist, and he took turns fucking us. Me while I was on top, doggie style, she while on her back, sucking on my breasts. It was hot and seemed to go on forever. What Pauly lacked in the personality department he definitely made up for in stamina. Finally, he started to fuck me harder and harder, and pulled out, took off his condom, and came all over my ass.
Boobies was distinctively not pleased about this turn of events. Apparently she felt that was her prize to earn, and got up and scrambled into the bathroom in a huff. He followed her, and I could hear conversation pieces like "just sex" and "thought you wanted this" and "how was I supposed to know" coming from Pauly. I finished dressing and knocked on the door and informed them that I was leaving. "Ok!" she shouted. Apparently being walked out is not part of the deal in a threesome, but I was totally fine with that as this point. I scrambled out of there, and before I got to the elevator started laughing. Because I knew, with certainty, that I would have felt exactly the same way. I am nothing if not a jealous bitch. I decided then and there that never would I bring another person into a relationship that I was in. But being the guest star - that was a great role to play. Who knew that I would learn such a valuable life lesson from my first threesome?
This was honestly a really enjoyable experience for me. And I not only learned that I would never bring someone into my own relationship, but also this: there was a lot going on with the couple I was with, but I was blissfully able to completely enjoy the situation, totally removed from any emotion. I know a ton of you just asked, "But is that a good thing?" Not for everyone, I'm sure, but for me - yes. I actually enjoy sex when it doesn't have to MEAN anything. It's like eating chicken nuggets - you know you should be eating grilled organic tofu because it's great for you and all, but sometime processed chicken nuggets taste fucking great and you don't want to have to apologize for wanting them. Sex doesn't have to always be like prom, where you're in your best formal gown, you get your hair done, put on a shit ton of makeup, adorn yourself beautifully and it's the greatest night of your life. Sex can just be a physical release (guys, you're with me on this, I know) and you feel great and you can just close the door on that shit - no emotion messing with how fucking good an orgasm feels. So if you're one of those girls who wishes you could NOT be in love with the person you're having sex with, I highly recommend a Special Guest Star Threesome. It will help you learn to get in, get off, and get out.
Trust Rita.
- Rita
