Shitting Where You Eat

Despite the many ways in which I give little attention to rules, mores, morals, and other structure or guidelines, there are two personal rules that I have always followed - no sleeping with married men, and no sleeping with someone that you work with.  Do I have to even describe the enormous downfalls associated with these two bad decisions?   I do.

I have had many opportunities to break these rules in my life - I'm sure you have as well. But up until now, I have not taken any of those opportunities. I have had no desire to sleep with a married man before, for a few reasons.  First, you're automatically being cheated on from the get-go with the wife.  No matter what they say about how little attraction they have to them or how sexless their marriage is, there is still sex - trust me.  Because men will tell you anything to get them to sleep with you, and you're kidding yourself or naïve to the ways of men if you believe otherwise.  Plus, you're probably not the only person he is cheating on his wife with. Again, you'd like to believe that you're the only one when he tells you that you are (oh, except his wife, of course) but it's not likely.  Plus, historically I have gone into every relationship thinking that this is could be the The One.  Never would a relationship with a married man be that for me, so I stayed away.  Also, I require too much attention.  And finally, I don't take competition lightly.  

As I think about it, the co-worker thing is probably even worse.  Because when it ends (as it will), then you're stuck having to be thrown together, despite possibly despising each other, and you know my stance on exes, Reader.  They have to cease to exist.  I don't want them showing up in the coffee area every morning or have them on a conference call with me every other day. 

I blew these two rules out of the water on one person recently, double barreled the crap out of those rules in one fell swoop.  There are qualifiers though, and I will share with you my justifications.  You can decide if you would have done the same thing in my shoes - in my shiny black patent leather stiletto Mary Janes.

Dallas

I attended training in Dallas a couple of months ago for my company.  At a table next to me is a super sexy guy.  I check him out in my not-so-subtle way throughout the morning and we end up talking.  He turns out to be the sales guy that I am going to work with on some accounts that I'm covering for someone on maternity leave.  We agree to talk that night at dinner so he can let me know what's going on with the accounts and what he needs me to help out with.

At dinner, after talking for about 5.6 seconds, he tells me that he thinks he's really going to enjoy working with me and that he thinks that we will have a lot of fun.  SPARKS ARE FLYING.  EVERYWHERE.  He is not wearing a ring, and I go into the bathroom and FB stalk him on my handy iPhone.  Profile pic is him and two kids.  Divorced most likely!  Whew!!  We chat and drink at dinner and exchange numbers.  He leaves to join friends elsewhere and proceeds to text me most of the night.  We flirt just a bit, feeling each other out.  He informs me before we depart Dallas that he is coming to a pro football game with a client in my city and wants me to go with them.  I tell him to make it happen and I will be there with bells on.

Qualifier:  At this point, I think he's single and have found out he lives in Boston but spend most of his time with clients in a city in Ohio. He is also age appropriate - go Rita!

So we start working together, doing some account planning, conference calls etc.  There are emails and texts flying, we work together very well and enjoy eachother.  He is a supreme smart ass and seems to relish that I am as well.  Then it's the weekend of the football game.  He shall henceforth be known as the Rule Breaker.

My City

I join Rule Breaker and the client at a bar downtown on the day of the football game.  He gives me the biggest smile and hug when I see him.  We drink there for a while, then go and have a fabulous dinner.  I make fun of him flirting with the waitresses.  He is smart and sexy and funny and cocky.  He is human Kryptonite, and he brings out my A game in the flirting and banter area.  My boss was also in attendence at this dinner, so in a feat of Herculean restraint on my part, the sexual undertones were kept to a minimum. 

We go to the game, and he starts to text me, very flirty.  He and I are separated by my boss and the client.  He is relentless. After the game, we head across the street to a bar where more drinks and more flirting ensues.  Then BAM - the client mentions Rule Breaker's wife.  FUCK FUCK FUCKER.

We end up alone moments later when my boss leaves and the client goes to the rest room.  RB confirms that he is married and all the usual lines ensue…not happy, staying for the kids, live separate lives.  I tell him that's ok, I don't sleep with married men, but I also don't sleep with people I work with, either --  so he was screwed from the get-go, and we will just have to be great friends and have fun together.  He tells me that he is glad because he loves hanging out with me and working with me - he thinks I should stay on his accounts permanently. 

Qualifier:  I'm super drunk at this point, so yes, I did blurt out that I don't sleep with married guys and guys I work with.  And I really don't! But I am SO DEFLATED.  I wanted this guy.  DAMMIT.

A couple of weeks go by, we exchange emails, talk on the phone, and exchange texts - work and personal stuff as well, just getting to know each other and being friendly.  Every once in a while I get a flirty zinger, which I love and hate. He calls me one afternoon from the hotel pool in Miami just to make me jealous.  He's someone I will enjoy being friends with, I'm glad we've made our peace. 

Ohio

Rule Breaker emails me one evening that we have 48 hours' notice to present to a client.  I have to go to Ohio  to help the team prepare for the presentation.  He texts to find out when I'm coming, and then the next day demands to know when I will be arriving in town and lets me know that we have plans for dinner.  I'm assuming that it's the team we're working with.  I am wrong.  He joins me at the bar after a golf game and hugs me hello.  Then he says, "Here's what we're doing tonight.  We're having drinks with a client who is a great friend of mine - with his mistress.  Then you and I are going to dinner."

Qualifier: It's amazing what people do in the business world. I would like to believe that it is not easy for me to be shocked at this point, but I continually am. I also see the irony in the situation mentioned above.

We change and jump into a cab and meet his client.  I wish I could say it was odd, but it wasn't, really.  This is what we salespeople do - you build relationships quickly with people that you don't know every well, even if they are people that you've never met - with their mistresses.  He watches me during our cocktail hour- I catch him staring at me a few times.  When we leave to go to dinner, he tells me, "You're so much like me it's weird."

At dinner together, there is great disclosure of family issues and lots of personal discussion.  He has a special needs son that he won't leave. He was going to leave a few years ago for another woman, but couldn't go through with it. Couldn't leave his kids.  Painful. He asks what my situation was, why my marriage ended.  I tell him the full story, no sugarcoating.  Great discussion of relationships ensues, but then our food comes and we talk about other, less complicated things.  I would like to mention that I had the world's most decadent meatball at this restaurant, but can't remember the name of the place.  Amazing food! Men who love good food are sexy. (Write that down.)

After dinner, the client that we took to the football game shows up at our restaurant and invites us to go have a drink with him and his friends.  We join them at a loud club and they drift away to join other friends.  Rule Breaker is sitting on a stool and I am standing in front of him, talking.  He puts his hand on the small of my back and pushes me into him and kisses me.  It is outstanding.  He pulls away, his eyes wide and says, "Are you fucking kidding me? Seriously? Oh my god, that was amazing." I tell him, "I'm sorry! I'm a great kisser, I can't help it!"  He pulls me in to kiss him again.  Pulls away again.  "We're going back to the hotel now, right?" he asks.  YES.

Qualifier:  He made the first move.  I was powerless to resist.  If you had kissed him, you'd know why.  YOU WOULD  HAVE GONE TO THE HOTEL, TOO.

We throw down in my hotel room for over 2 hours.  He is amazing. I find myself wondering, Reader, if this likely because he is my age.  But regardless, this guys has some moves…and we totally click.   When we finally are just lying there, practically unable to move (I wanted to use the word "spent" but it's just too Romance Novel-y)  the first thing he says, "I am in SO much trouble.  I love hanging out with you, I love working with you, and you fuck like that?  This is a huge problem.  Huge."  We crack up.

So at this point, I probably don't have to tell you that there are plans in place for me to be in Ohio and for Rule Breaker to be in my city.  There are sexy text messages, and there are emails with thinly veiled references, and subtle teasing when we are on conference calls together.  Honestly, I get wet when I hear his voice on conference calls sometimes.  I am in unfamiliar territory here, but I am charging headlong into this because here's the thing of it - I don't want to marry this guy.  I don't want to do his laundry, or see him 24/7.  I want to have fun and great sex with him; he doesn't live in town so there is no sneaking around and no chance of running into each other.  Total freedom to do what I want, and it's all about him when I see him.  A great set-up for me.  So I'm feeling hopeful that this will play out in a good way, until it doesn't make sense to do it anymore.  Famous last words, right?  We will probably stop working together when my counterpart comes back from maternity leave in January.  So that would be a natural ending.  But he did mention being here for the week of the Super Bowl in February…

-       Rita

SXB Round 2, or, Once a Douche, Always a Douche

"I don't have low self-esteem.  I'm surrounded by assholes. There's a difference."

 

So, I apparently I didn't have any takers on that $20 bet then, huh?  Cause you'd all owe me! 

I tell SXB that he has to come pick me up, like a real date and then take me to dinner to a place of his choosing.  Consider this another tip to share with any of your male friends: Women like to be taken on planned dates.

Side note:  By planned, I mean, planned by the person taking her on a date, not her planning it and then him executing and paying for said date and then taking all the credit for such an awesome date. It really chaps my hide that these asshats ask us out and then ask us what we want to do, where we want to go, etc.  Make a fucking plan and THEN call us! CALL!!! Don't text or email and try to work out location and time. It's a fucking phone. Shout out to Alexander G. Bell for this invention circa 1876 (by the way, he was 29 when he invented the telephone. Now we all feel completely unaccomplished. You're welcome).  

Ok.  I'm stepping down from my soapbox now.  After some thought, I decide him picking me up is a bad idea because then I'm stuck afterwards. So I make up a lie and tell him I need to be near his place for some stupid ass reason or another.  This way when (not if) he starts being an ass, I can just leave. So I pound a glass of Pinot and head over to his place. This is the part of this entry that makes me sound like an insensitive bitch, but SXB is in AA which is great for him.  He's clean and sober for just over 3 years and I truly think this is awesome. He talks about it freely and I admire this, however I needed a glass to take the edge off and numb my own stupidity.

Fuckstick Move #1: I get there and he doesn't get up from the couch (he's in the middle of a video game).  I should have left then. I know. He looks me up and down with the hungriest look in his eye and this just makes me melt.  I'm a total sucker for this look. Anyway, he finishes his game and stands up in the most genuinely perfect fitting man jeans ever.  This man has the most amazing ass and quads I've ever been witness to off of a football field.  He leans down and tries to lightly kiss me and I turn my head. "I'm still mad at you. 3 months!...let's go to dinner." 

Fuckstick Move #2: So we go to dinner. In the car on the way there I ask him some mundane question and he damn near snaps at me saying that he's told me the answer to whatever question I had asked "like 15 times."   I brush it off, but then he says something along the same lines within 10 minutes of sitting down to eat. Still seated, I lean across the table, "Do you think I'm fucking stupid?  Because you certainly speak to me like you do!" SXB replies looked almost surprised that I reacted like that, "No. Actually the opposite. I think you are very smart."  

From here, we actually had a pretty good dinner conversation. I even made the point during dinner to tell him that I liked talking to him.  Anyway, we leave and I had stopped and gotten a movie. So we went back to his place and curled up on the couch.  About 20 minutes into it, he started pawing at me.  I shrugged him off and informed him that it wasn't going to happen. He gave up for about 15 minutes and tried again.  We both knew something was going to happen. I'm powerless. He's stupid hot. I can't be held accountable. He starts fingering me, but I'm wet before he even gets his hand down there (just in case I haven't driven it home...this man is gorgeous!). 

Fuckstick Move #3: "You should give me some head." Sweet jeebus!! That didn't take long.  "No, sir. YOU should give ME some head.  We're now working on a credit system here and by my calculations you owe me about 10.  That's being generous and not factoring in interest." He didn't respond except to promptly bury his face between my thighs. FINALLY! It's my turn. So I get off thanks to his par (at best) oral efforts coupled with his fumbling fingers and let out a deep sigh of satisfaction when suddenly his face is near mine.  "How about some head now?" "Nope. Still not going to happen.  Thanks for that though." 

Fuckstick Move #4: Fumble. Fumble. Fumble. Penetration. Pump. Pump. BOOM! Literally, 2 minutes. At best. (probably more like 45 seconds, but I felt like giving him the benefit of the doubt which is that naked time sometimes moves slower than clothed time for some reason).  

Fuckstick Move #5: I go to the bathroom, come back and we finish watching the movie without but maybe 3 words and minimal post coital (using that words loosely) contact. I get dressed and stand to leave while he stares blankly at the TV.  "This is the part where you stand up, kiss me goodnight and tell me what a great time you had. Maybe even offer to walk me to my car."  He stands and hugs me and says thanks right before he plops back down on the couch with his phone in hand.  

He didn't contact me again for exactly one week.  

So here's the lesson to be learned here (because we can do nothing here about my stupid ass letting it get anywhere near this far so we're going to treat it like a fable):  

Don't be a jackhole.  People don't change so for fucks-sake, don't engage in such self-destructive behavior.  

Probably most importantly, no matter how beautiful his ass and quads are he's probably still a lame ass lay or a minute man, so don't waste your beautiful-self thinking it might be different this time because it won't be.  

Another big thanks to me for taking one for the team and learning these lessons the hard way (reverse pun? Is that a thing?).  On a brighter note, I meant an actual prospect just a few days after this SXB incident (as Rita and I now refer to it).  The new prospect is a planner. He asked me out more than a day in advance (3 actually) and planned a date! He made some sort of contact (texts and legit pick-up-the-phone-and-dial calls) with me every day in between.   We like him, so we shall call him LunchMeat. Random fun fact: He's an ex-football player...so he's beefy. Like a tasty gym meathead, just for me. 

-Stoney

SXB - WTF?

So many moons ago (read as: about 8 months ago) in a galaxy far-far away (about 7 miles from my house), I made many a fatal error with a gentleman (using this word loosely) caller that I refer to as Sexy Back (SXB).  First, let’s breakdown the nickname.  This is yet another fellow from my gym that I met within a couple of months of my breakup. His name comes from the months prior to introducing myself that I spent staring at his ridiculously chiseled back and imagining ripping off his UnderArmour fitted shirt and rubbing him down with coconut oil. I didn’t know about coconut oil then, but I do now so it applies.

SXB took my number after a couple of times of chatting at the gym, but never used it.  The Cowboy (see previous "Adventures in Texting" for a complete description of this narcissistic wanker) informed me that SXB didn’t want to call me because he just wanted a fuck buddy and not to date. Thanks for the imaginary punch to the cooch, wank!  All the same, SXB texted me that same night.  We made plans to get together and watch a basketball game at his house. This would be my first mistake.  Don’t agree to first “dates” like this, reader.  It just spoiled him in the long run and he never wanted to leave his house.

SXB and I hung out about once a week after that. Always at his place. Always with the TV on. Also with food of some sort delivered and, most importantly always with a semi.  See, SXB liked him some head.  He could get hard for it and always come.  SXB, however, could not keep it up for actual penetration.  I think maybe in the dozen plus times we “hungout,” he played to the end with actual intercourse only once. Rita says he loved it when I came over basically because I would order in food, sit and watch TV with him and then let him fuck my face.  And that pretty much summed that up.  He was terrible at conversation, totally rude and demeaning and a clearly horrible lay.  Again, Rita still stands by the fact that if this man wasn’t gorgeous,  some woman would be on death row for murdering him in his sleep after Lorena Bobbitt-ing his ass, shoving his own dick in his mouth (thus fucking his own face) and suffocating him.  Well, that’s not exactly what she says but it’s something about killing him in his sleep because he’s useless to all womankind.

After spending yet another night in his bed completely unfulfilled, I listened as SXB told me about his most recent long-term relationship and how she was probably “The One” and he fucked it up. 

Dear Reader,

Please tell all of your stupid-ass male friends not to talk about past lovers, ones-that-got-away, true loves, soulmates, their mother, etc. while they are naked in bed with a woman.

Sincerely,

All the other fucking women on the planet.

Needless to say, after that wonderfully uplifting experience, when SXB fell off of the planet (hopefully into the bowels of hell) right after that, I wasn’t too upset about it.

Radio silent for nearly 4 months now, SXB has resurfaced.  He’s begging for a date.

SXB: For what it’s worth, I am really sorry.

Stoney: For what it’s worth, I’m an amazing woman (even outside of the bedroom). But you didn’t even give me a chance.

He’s been begging for 3 weeks for a date.  I finally agreed. It’s tomorrow. I’m debating just getting drunk now and randomly texting strangers in my phone or just going ahead and shooting myself in the foot.  I’m apparently an idiot and slightly masochistic. For God sakes, don’t ever follow my lead. I can only be held accountable for my own obviously ridiculous decisions.  I’ll let you know how it goes, but I've got a twenty dollar bill that says he’s going to try and fuck my face again.

-Stoney

The Application

Thank you for your interest in dating or fucking me. Due to the high volume of interested applicants, I will not be able to reply to all applications received. Allow four to six weeks for processing. A $10 processing fee may be imposed for incomplete or illegible applications.  If any questions are left blank or unanswered, your application will be immediately disqualified.

**Respond to these questions, if you are only interested in fucking me.  No further information is required of you beyond this. If other questions are answered on your part, your odds of being disqualified increase.

**Applicant’s First Name______________________

Last Name ________________________

Applicant’s Nickname(s) _____________________________

**Age _______ ** Height_____ **Weight______

Occupation _____________________________

Credit Score__________

Contact Information:

Address:__________________________________________City:__________________________Zip:____________________

**Phone number:_________________________________________Email address:_____________________________

Facebook alias (if applicable):________________________________Twitter handle:________________________

Answers to the following 2 questions could result in immediate disqualification from any position in my life, so think long and hard before completing your answer:

1.       Please state specific reason(s) for your last breakup.

2.       What is the best way to dominate Halo 2 and/or Call of Duty?

Lifestyle

3.       Has a restraining order ever been filed against you?

4.       Have you ever been convicted of a felony?

5.       Do you currently have a valid driver’s license?

6.       **Are you currently taking any medications?

7.       Do you have piercings/tattoos? Please specify where and how many.

8.       Do you wax, shave, or pluck any regions of your body?

9.       Do you partake of recreation drugs? Which ones and how often?

10.   Do you smoke cigarettes/cigars?

11.   How many drinks do you consume on average on a weeknight?

12.   How many drinks do you consume on average on a weekend?

13.   What time do you wake up on weekends?

14.   Which side of the bed do you prefer to sleep on?

15.   How often do you travel for work?

16.   Do you have a good relationship with your mother?

17.   Is she prone to mood swings or currently taking anti-depressants?

Grooming

18.   How much time do you spend looking in the mirror per day?

19.   Does it take you longer than fifteen minutes to get ready?

Relationship History/Sexual Information

20.   Have you ever been married?

21.   How many “psycho” ex-girlfriends do you have?

22.   How many exes are you still hooking up with?

23.   When was the last time you had sexual intercourse? ___ a few hours ago ____a  few days ago ____a few months ago ____a few years ago

24.   How many porn subscriptions are currently in your name?

25.   Have you ever undergone sexual reassignment surgery?

26.   **Can you provide written documentation that you are free of STDs?

27.   **Do you have any sexual dysfunctions that cannot be treated by a doctor?

28.   How many one night stands have you had in the last six months?

29.   On average, how many women do you sleep with at one time?

30.   **Please specify and describe any fetishes.

31.   **Are you a giver (and not necessarily in the financial sense)?

32.   Check applicable sleep conditions: ___ sleep apnea ___bed wetting ___ sleep-walking ___sleep-talking ___random thrashing ____cover/bed hogging

33.   **Have you ever dated any of my friends or family members?

34.   Have you ever been suspected of cheating on a former girlfriend?

Random Important Crap

35.   Will you dance?

36.   Do you own cats?

37.   Are you familiar with what a “douchecape” is? Do you own any?

38.   Do you have children?

39.   Do you like children?

40.   Do you live alone or with a roommate?

41.   Do you wear cologne? Please spray this form with the kind you are likely to wear on a date.

42.   What is your preferred mode of communication? ___ text ___phone ___email ___IM ___Post-It note ____social networking site***

***Do Not Attempt to ‘Friend’ Me.  If I wish to be your ‘friend,’ I will seek you out.  Don’t make things awkward by ignoring this.

Additionally, please answer the following multiple choice questions:

43.   How many times a week do you bathe/shower? ___ None (afraid of being sucked down the drain)   ___ 1-3 (when flies mistake me for a pile of shit)   ___ 4-6 (high hopes of getting intimate with someone) ___ 7 or more (have every brand of shower gel on the market and not enough days in a week to try them all)

44.    Do you leave brown stripes in your underwear? ___ Yes, I believe in conserving toilet paper. ___ No, I don’t wear underwear.

45.    How often do you wash your bedding? **Answer if you are inclined to take me back to your place. ___ Daily (must be a nympho) ___ Once a week (at the carwash) ___ Yearly (when I get my tax refund) ___ Never (haven’t brought a date home in years)

47. What are your shopping habits? ___ I prefer shopping at garage sales. (leaves more money to buy my booze with) ___ I prefer shopping at discount stores. (can buy ten times more junk food for less) ___ I prefer shopping at the mall. (great place to check out cute butts) ___ I prefer to shop at all the finer stores (until all the credit cards are maxed out) ___ I don’t pay for anything, I just take it. (don’t bother completing the rest of this application)

48. You are sitting in your recliner watching television and sneeze a juicy one, what do you do? ___ Wipe my nose on my sleeve then give someone a great big hug. ___ Wipe my nose with the remote. ___ Yell for someone to bring me a tissue, then hide/stuff it down the chair when I’m done with it.

49. You are cuddling with your sweetheart in bed and feel gas pressure building, what do you do?

___ Excuse myself and make a mad dash to the bathroom.

___ Let it blow and brag about how I made the windows shake.

___ Blast the stink bomb then toss the covers over her head. Dutch Oven of Love.

___ Let it leak out silently and blame it on the dog.

50.  The toilet breaks and needs repaired, what do you do? ___ Get the duct tape out and fix it myself. ___ Wait and see if it will miraculously fix itself. ___ Hire someone to fix it. ___ Choose to do nothing and use the gas station’s restroom for the rest of the year. 51.  How do you feel about washing dishes? ___ Love playing in bubbles and beg for people to dirty more dishes. ___ Only when company is coming. ___ Out of the question, I might break a nail. ___ I’m allergic to dish soap. ___ I consider dirty dishes to be a work of art and stack them all over the house/apt. as decorations. 52.  How do you feel about mowing the lawn and misc. yard work? ___ Can’t wait to get the rider out so I can chase the neighbor’s cat around the yard. ___ Hire a lawn care company. ___ Just set it on fire once a year. ___ Do nothing at all, I enjoy living in a jungle. ___**I will mow your lawn for a blow job.    53.  Which best describes your cooking? ___ I must be an excellent cook because everyone I know eats at my house. ___ I burn everything and the dog refuses to eat it. ___ I have all the delivery places on speed dial. ___ I don’t cook, I have my own personal chef. 55.  You are driving down the highway and notice your ex’s car pulled over with a flat tire,         what do you do? ___ Pull over and grab my old cd player out of the car while they are changing the flat. ___ Drive by and act like I don’t see them. ___ Blow the horn and yell out the window “It sucks to be you”.  56. Describe your perfect first date. Please attach one current (date stamped) picture**, baby picture, three references, and a copy of your current immunization records. Self-photography is not permitted for the purposes of this application.  Any pictures taken of oneself will result in immediate disqualification.  If you submit a photo taken of you by you, I assume you have no friends to take your picture and there for do NOT want to date you anyway.

I hereby attest and verify that the information I have provided in this application is absolutely false and misrepresented.  I understand that any honest or true answers could lead to me spending the rest of my life (**or at least the night) alone. Sign:_________________________________________________ Date:___________________________